Finding myself at my office for the entire day yesterday with a laptop but no power cord, I had to resort to some of the other things on my to-do list which seem to never get done with a computer present.

One of them involved writing goals for the new year, as this seems to be the overriding message touted from every angle.. that this one task is an essential, no-brainer, must-do for a small business owner.

So, I obligingly did that. Nothing huge and lofty... most items were practical and self-evident and centered around making my shiatsu practice not only pay for itself but hopefully for some other stuff as well. I tacked on a couple of other things, also business-related, to the bottom of the list... things that I thought would be cool to have accomplished, and, I assume, necessary to achieving the first aforementioned goals.

But as I wrote them, I could feel my heart wasn't in it. The enthusiasm and fire just weren't there.

No matter. I put the list aside for the moment and went on to something else.

Reflecting on this later, during and after my 'breathing' practice, I had this startling revelation:

"Oh my god. I am not an ambitious person."

Now, for those who know me, this is probably not a word that would have come to mind anyway, in regards to my personality. But having been immersed for some months now in a social networking environment of driven people who are all about GOALS, and SUCCESS, and ACHIEVEMENT, and ENTHUSIASM no matter WHAT, my first thought was that I may be flawed in some way, and therefore not possessing the cayunes with which to manifest my dreams.

To my credit, I have had periods of driven-ness in my life ... granted, it was mostly driving in circles... but lately, I just haven't felt capable of summoning or sustaining that kind of energy.  So, what...am I lazy? Unmotivated? Depressed? Dysfunctional? Undiscliplined?

Yeah, probably a little of all of those. And maybe my re-newly-found meditation practice is allowing me to indulge this so-called deficiency. Even celebrate it.

Or... hmm.

Maybe I'm on to something. Some greater truth about The Illusion of What I Am Supposed to Do/Be/Have In Order To Feel Happy/Successful/Fulfilled/Whole/Right About Myself.

Because this whole drive thing seems vaguely tied up with that.

This new year seems like it is already revealing a theme to me revolving around letting go. Letting go of stuff, of cherished beliefs, of mental models, of 'supposed to be's, of expectations. Of dreams even. Yikes. Some dreams pass away quietly, almost unnoticed. Some, you gotta shoot 'em to put them out of their misery before they hurt somebody.

It's sad and grief-inducing work, yet the quiet left behind in the absence of all that chatter can be so, so lovely. And peaceful. So much space here ... more breathing room and I don't bruise my knees on the furniture. Though I will say the echo in the emptiness can be a little disconcerting and hard to get used to.

I'm sure I'll be inspired again. And maybe even a little ambitious.  Right now I'm just so enjoying the process of wiping the slate clean...seeing how far I can go. How many things I can question as being necessary for my well-being, and what I can kick to the curb, or at least put aside for a bit.

It's not easy, by any stretch, but the breathing helps. A lot.

More about that later, as I finish the first week of "The Presence Process" tomorrow.

And, interestingly, I wrote all this before I even read this....

There's just something about a cat sitting in the sunlight..

Made a rare venture out to the boardwalk with boys #3 & 4 today (one of whom I had to bribe with the promise of iced coffee)... my primary mission being to update my strip of photos I've been using as a bookmark in my planner. You know what I mean, those photo booths that cost $3 a pop, and you get 4 goofy-looking shots... the first two in which you're looking down 'cause you don't know when the shutter will snap.. and the other two are just generally, as a rule, unflattering.
 

But I digress.

We got held up by boy #4's insistence that we check out one of the many hermit crab displays in one of the many beach-themed chochke shops. (Boy #4, caught up in his insatiable desire to bring one of these critters home, has conveniently forgotten that they become a lot less interesting when they're not clambering over 5oo of their cage-mates in a 2' x 2' box. Or that they're really creepy and they stink when they die.) As we gazed in fascination at the array of shells unnaturally adorned with flowers, smiley faces, "Eagles" logos and popular cartoon characters, boy #3 and I imagined tiny human dramas projected on to these poor, unsuspecting creatures.

For example, one particularly large Alpha crab, sporting a bright "Spongebob" motif, had managed to make his way about 2/3 up the side of the cage, using other crabs along the way as stepping stones. (Sounds so, corporate, yes?) Interestingly, we both noticed about 4-5 American flag-painted shells assembled in a line, like some sort of freakish crustacean border-patrol, through which Alpha-Spongebob would not pass. He (she?) navigated his way to the left, thereby getting himself stuck in a corner and would proceed no further. (There also seemed to be a couple of other Old Glory groupings, as if they preferred to hang out together. Weird.)

Back down at ground level, another large "Nemo"-painted crab seemed to be deliberately held back, upside-down even, by a couple of, I like to think, bullies: "Superman" and, I believe, one painted to resemble a turtle (not sure I get that at all). Another crab, decorated with tiny mirrors (I kid you not) had been part of this ostracizing, but sensibly took off for the other end of the cage to work her way up in solitude. (Like that gender shift there?)

I personally identified with a small subversive group curiously huddled together under a flat piece of sponge ... finding refuge from the fray, perhaps, or plotting their own peaceful revolution, in which hermit crabs everywhere could coexist as brothers and sisters, free from the aggression and mindless competition. Or maybe it was just cooler under there in the shade.

You would find yourself starting to root for these little guys as they struggled and sweated their way to the top (do hermit crabs sweat?), finally to be able to enjoy the fruits of their labor, which seemed to involve hanging upside down for no apparent reason. Or, as so often tragically happened, becoming mysteriously disengaged and plunging two and a half feet, landing ass-up and claws flailing, into a faux-rock water dish. And then (sigh) starting the process all over again. The saddest of all were the small group littered around the bottom of the cage upside-down that seemed to have fallen, never to bother getting up again.

The ambition, the competition, the futility... and the sheer tackiness... it was all too metaphorical. Sure, at $3.99 a piece (or free, if you purchase a cage).. they make great pets that don't shed, meow, puke up hairballs, or bite your ankles when you come up the stairs (unless, perhaps, you get a really BIG one). We once had a little guy, Herman, (painted in a lovely blue with a tasteful purple flower) for about 2 1/2 years. Even gave him roommates, which he HATED. He became uncharacteristically lively for about an hour, then retreated into his little coconut shell hut for days. (Well, DUH! He' s a HERMIT crab! Another reason why the intensive housing conditions they're subject to seem so weird. Fortunately for him, not so much for us, they died within a couple weeks.)

To my pleading boy #4, I've had to rely on the justification that we (conveniently) got rid of our hermit crab accoutrements.. I had no plans to purchase more. And, oh yeah, they really stink when they die.

** more exciting photos**

(reference to a cake album.. just a fun word association here..)

Continuing on with my 7-day program, today ("The Day of Heart Opening") I am asked to contemplate one of the six paramitas. In Buddhism, the paramitas are pretty much guidelines to live by for happiness.. basically where the rubber meets the road.

They are: generosity, discipline, patience, exertion, meditation, and wisdom. As Susan observes, none of these are really mutually exclusive... they each give rise the next, and when one is invoked, the other come come into play as well.

I've decided to begin wth the first one, generosity. I am invited to notice where it appears or is lacking as I move through my day. Still being alone, I imagine that I won't come up against many of the challenges that I would otherwise, so it'll be interesting to notice this. It can even begin with something so simple as thinking of the many people in my life and wishing them well, regardless of the ease or difficulties within our relationships.

The Maitri (or 'loving-kindness') meditation is a wonderful practice for this. In this practice, you offer loving-kindness, in turn, first to yourself, then a loved one, a friend, a stranger, an enemy, and then all beings, using these words:

                        May you be happy.

                        May you be healthy.

                        May you be peaceful.

                   May you live with ease.
 

It's a wonderful way to open the heart, and an easy thing to do (well, simple, maybe not easy) even out of meditation, while walking down the street, driving, watching the news, or contemplating an annoying co-worker, (and dare I say, certain political figures?)

So, what's at the heart of generosity? Jumping the gun, here, as I have all day to think about this, I see it as a genuine desire to uplift another human being, with whatever we have to offer in response to their needs. And it has to be genuine, not out a sense of duty or personal reward.

Generosity also implies a kind of trust -- trust that's there's enough for everyone when we share, and giving away something that appears to be in my possession in no way diminishes what I have. (I say 'appears' because there is really no way anyone can truly own or hold on to anything. And yet, paradoxically, happiness still lies in the act of giving.)

I think appreciation is also a key to practicing generosity, as it is through appreciating the gifts we have in our lives, we will always feel wealthy, and in a position to share with others without feeling deprived.

Thoughts?

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