One of them involved writing goals for the new year, as this seems to be the overriding message touted from every angle.. that this one task is an essential, no-brainer, must-do for a small business owner.

So, I obligingly did that. Nothing huge and lofty... most items were practical and self-evident and centered around making my shiatsu practice not only pay for itself but hopefully for some other stuff as well. I tacked on a couple of other things, also business-related, to the bottom of the list... things that I thought would be cool to have accomplished, and, I assume, necessary to achieving the first aforementioned goals.

But as I wrote them, I could feel my heart wasn't in it. The enthusiasm and fire just weren't there.

No matter. I put the list aside for the moment and went on to something else.

Reflecting on this later, during and after my 'breathing' practice, I had this startling revelation:

"Oh my god. I am not an ambitious person."

Now, for those who know me, this is probably not a word that would have come to mind anyway, in regards to my personality. But having been immersed for some months now in a social networking environment of driven people who are all about GOALS, and SUCCESS, and ACHIEVEMENT, and ENTHUSIASM no matter WHAT, my first thought was that I may be flawed in some way, and therefore not possessing the cayunes with which to manifest my dreams.

To my credit, I have had periods of driven-ness in my life ... granted, it was mostly driving in circles... but lately, I just haven't felt capable of summoning or sustaining that kind of energy.  So, what...am I lazy? Unmotivated? Depressed? Dysfunctional? Undiscliplined?

Yeah, probably a little of all of those. And maybe my re-newly-found meditation practice is allowing me to indulge this so-called deficiency. Even celebrate it.

Or... hmm.

Maybe I'm on to something. Some greater truth about The Illusion of What I Am Supposed to Do/Be/Have In Order To Feel Happy/Successful/Fulfilled/Whole/Right About Myself.

Because this whole drive thing seems vaguely tied up with that.

This new year seems like it is already revealing a theme to me revolving around letting go. Letting go of stuff, of cherished beliefs, of mental models, of 'supposed to be's, of expectations. Of dreams even. Yikes. Some dreams pass away quietly, almost unnoticed. Some, you gotta shoot 'em to put them out of their misery before they hurt somebody.

It's sad and grief-inducing work, yet the quiet left behind in the absence of all that chatter can be so, so lovely. And peaceful. So much space here ... more breathing room and I don't bruise my knees on the furniture. Though I will say the echo in the emptiness can be a little disconcerting and hard to get used to.

I'm sure I'll be inspired again. And maybe even a little ambitious.  Right now I'm just so enjoying the process of wiping the slate clean...seeing how far I can go. How many things I can question as being necessary for my well-being, and what I can kick to the curb, or at least put aside for a bit.

It's not easy, by any stretch, but the breathing helps. A lot.

More about that later, as I finish the first week of "The Presence Process" tomorrow.

And, interestingly, I wrote all this before I even read this....

When she was here for the holidays, she mentioned that while she had become "born again" about five years ago, on her own, she was now being invited by the church she attended to go through the actual dunking process with the congregation as witness.

Being the wise-ass that I am, I expressed concern for her hair-do, which she spends at least an hour 'do-ing' every morning. She assured me that her hairdresser was coming along to fix her up afterward.

I'm glad I asked.

My mom, to say the least, is not real big on being the center of attention in any situation. I don't think she relished the idea of being submerged in water in front of a bunch of onlookers. But she did express, or tried to, the difference between developing a relationship with Jesus in the privacy of her own heart, mind and soul, and then going through the actual physical process in front of others. I got what she was saying, though.. the whole thing about making the mind/body connection. Solidifying that commitment on another level adds a depth of dimension.. which is why ritual is so powerful. And this one in particular, for Christians... taking the plunge (pun totally intended) says to the world and your innermost being that you have chosen to die to your old way of life, and become reborn again into the grace of God.

I was reminded of when I was about ten, and my mom's parents were trying their best to make a good Christian out of me, in spite of my mom's reluctance to walk that path herself. They were nearly successful. I diligently read the Bible every day, set up a small altar in my room. When I watched my slightly younger cousin go through baptism, I was a little envious of her surety and conviction, as I really didn't think I was ready. (Not to mention I was terrified at the thought of being dunked underwater...)

Even at such a young age, I was a perfectionist, and I didn't believe I had any right calling myself a Christian until I ironed out a few personality flaws.

Here is my self-assessment from that time:

If you can't see it clearly, let me spell it out:

"Bad Points"

1. Cold to people
2. Impatient
3. Stubborn
4. Talks back to some people
5. Lies sometimes
6. Tiny-bit conceited (I love that...!)
7. Don't take care of myself
8. Gets mad easily
9. Not helpful
10. Not too good on complimenting.
11. Not socialble. (sic)
12. Grouch.
13. Says nothing to most things people ask me.
14. Weird (not sure why this is in the "bad" category..)

"Good Points"

1. Sometimes friendly
2. Funny (good sense of humor)
3. Good loser
4. Good winner
5. Good in school
6. When I'm not stubborn I try to do my best.
7. Most of the time I try to look my best.
8. Loves God - (fears God)
9. Sometimes tries to be friendly in the morning

As you can see, the "bad points" outweighed the "good points". And some of these, I admit, I haven't made a whole lot of progress on in 30+ years. I think the biggest strides probably have been in the area of #9 in the "Good points" column, though I am still working on that one.

I guess it amazes and saddens me a little that not only was I thinking about this stuff at that age, but I was actually concerned and more than a little fearful that, should I die before I figured this all out, I was going straight to hell. I don't think these are the kinds of thoughts a child should be having as they try to fall sleep at night.

Little did I realize that God would have taken me in whatever sorry shape I was in, but I guess even then, this was a foreshadowing that my perfectionism, my indecisiveness and my flakiness would be a lifelong obstacle for me in regards to commitment.

And maybe that's my biggest flaw: my inability to accept my imperfections as perfect and worthy of even divine love.

Spoiler alert: I failed.

But, hey. We both got away from the computer for the better part of the day, and that was a good thing.

Had to drop 13 year old off with some 'girls' for a few hours, and I thought I'd drag youngest along so dad could get some work done. I pictured maybe hanging in the playground for a bit, but chilly weather and the morning coffee hitting my bladder far from a bathroom made me rethink that plan.

So, we headed to the mall.

First stop, Food Court. Standing in line for a Happy Meal, young son and I entertained each other with various other mood possibilities, such as "Mad Meal". Confused Meal".  "Agitated Meal". "Perplexed Meal". "Mildly Amused Meal". Great fun, really.

Oh, and it came with this creepy-looking thing:

Headed to my favorite-but-way-too-expensive-to-justify-going-to-more-than-once-a-year cosmetic store to get the mascara I put on my Christmas list.. a task hubs wanted nothing to do with.

When asked by the nice sales girl if I wanted "volumizing" or "moisturizing".. I was all like, what? This required more thought than I had planned on putting into this purchase beyond "black or brown". Seriously? I now have to think about moisturizing my eyelashes?

Thank god I didn't send hubs there.

Next, the candy store to get youngest ONE THING! Do you hear me? ONE!

After some serious and impressive contemplation, he settled on a 'gumball on a stick', roughly half the size of his head.

Over to the library, where we forgot to get what we went for in the first place, which was fresh "Calvin and Hobbes". Instead we left with a couple video games, a book about gems, and for some reason, a 2-cd set of "Pennsylvania Bird Songs".

Ooookaayy, J.

Bonus stop: car wash. Restored the sparkly to ZoomZoom. Very nice. Nothing like washing the car in 35 degree weather to make one's hands look their best.

Then, up to my fave natural food store for Liz Lovely's awesome vegan Cow Girl Cookies, and my fave incense. (Yes, I have a lot of faves.)

Finally, or would have been finally, had I not received a call to pick up other sons at the train station on my way home... rendezvous with 13 yr old who was nowhere to be found when I arrived.

Found him eventually...

And then lastly, a long car ride home with oldest son regaling me with tales of his weekend spent with young Quaker revolutionaries. Very exciting.

And here I am. In front of the computer again.

One of the members shared a prosperity exercise with us, which involves imagining that on January 1st, you have $1000 at your disposal and you have to spend all of it. January 2nd, you have $2000; January 3rd, $3000, and so on, until December 31st when you have $365,000 to spend.

The idea is that, in order to attract abundance into your life, you have to really get a sense of how it feels to let money flow... both in and out. Because experiencing abundance is about healing one's relationship with money, regardless of the amount, and the faith that you will always have enough for what you want and need... and can therefore let it go with joy, knowing that it will come back again. Money is its energetic form is flow and movement... and exchange, like breathing. Holding on to it doesn't serve our needs any more than trying to live without it.

When my friend presented this game, he reflected how surprised he was to find spending that much money to be more challenging than he expected. And I was thinking, How hard can it possibly be?

Well, I discovered that the challenge for me, thus far, is even in a fantasy situation, I'm wanting to be responsible... pay off my credit cards, put the money in high-interest bearing savings account, give it all to charity. I'm not real clear on the rules per se, but I'm thinking that the point is to just let it go, even if frivolously. I've spent the last year breaking my addiction to desiring stuff, it feels a little uncomfortable to now seek out ways in which I can blow gobs of cash on whatever, just for the sake of blowing gobs of cash

But I'm willing to give it a shot, especially while our country is riding this economic roller coaster. I have managed to be associated with a lot of like-minded people who refuse to participate in the recession. I like that idea, and I think this little game can help.

So, here's what I bought yesterday....

Wanna play?

Today was my last day of First Day Schooling it... (that sounds weird).. and the plan for today was to have the kids write New Year's Resolutions. (My 'rambunctious little Quaker - remember him? - he obliged my request to join us in the big room, but insisted he wasn't going to listen. Fair enough.)

We, of course, had to explain to the young'uns first what a resolution was.. simply put, a goal one sets for oneself for the coming year. And then to illustrate to the smaller Friends what that meant, helpful examples were offered by the adults, such as "get good grades", "clean your room more often", eat healthier food"... all of which sounded suspiciously like a hidden parental agenda.

I'm guessing on some level the kids weren't entirely convinced that this was a tradition that they wanted to get excited about. Karmic payback, perhaps, for having had their every desire indulged just the week before. Kinda sad really, and maybe it partly explains why we can't seem to stick to our own resolutions as adults. I mean, maybe we aren't entirely making these goals for the enhancement of our own well-being, but more out of a sense of what we "should" be doing; some obligation to an ideal or mindset that we've never questioned.

That wasn't where I had intended to go with this post... just kinda came out as I was writing it, but maybe something to think about.

I don't often make resolutions... not lately anyway, because I know how I am, and I don't like to set myself up for disappointment and guilt. But recently, I have come to see the power of setting intentions, and the benefit of having at least some kind of innner anchor, especially as everything around me seems to be shifting and falling away.

So here it is, my resolution for 2009: Keep breathing. I think I should be able to keep that one.

The perfect combination of late afternoon sun and the smoke created from baked-on turkey grease was such a beautiful sight to behold in my kitchen:

Boy #3 ended up with the Slinky... the original metal kind.. not the modernized cheap-o plastic version... encased in a cardboard box touting the amazing benefits of the "famous walking spring toy", in that it "moves without motors", and "there's nothing to wind.. nothing to wear out". And let's not forget, "..it's lots of fun!".

Indeed.

Watching the enthusiasm and awe that met with the opening of this gift, you'd think that my family had never seen one before, much less owned and mangled at least a dozen.

I guess I never really appreciated what a multi-sensory experience this simple coiled piece of steel could be: from the bright shiny silver of the metal, to the "shiiiing" sound it makes when you take it out of the box, to the arm hair-pinching inflicted by wearing it as a bracelet. In your face,  XBox 360! Can you walk down the stairs? Huh?

And now the ultimate in extreme Slinky-ing:(don't try this at home, unless, of course, you have 100,000 steps in your house..)

Contrary to expectations (our friends got in around 11 pm last night, and so we got to bed around 1 am) I felt okay. Hubs and I waited patiently after their arrival for our friends to decompress from their approximately 26 hour trip from Warsaw, before the topic of "gifts" came up. Hubs verbalized what I had been thinking but not dared to say, that if the vodka was left home, they'd have to find somewhere else to sleep. Fortunately they didn't let us down, although instead of the usual krupnik, Monika produced a bottle of rose petal-infused vodka that she concocted herself. Very summer-y and dessert-y. She also gifted us with chocolate and a lot of little jars of condiments that appeared ever cooler 'cuz they had Polish writing all over them

So, back to this morning, after getting ready, combing my wet hair with my fingers (my hairbrush was inaccessible, as B & M were in our bedroom), and scraping ice off my car, I trekked to Meeting where, as I envisioned, the Nativity play was being rehearsed. I won't go through all the details, but suffice it to say I was thoroughly entertained, and probably for all the wrong reasons.

Highlights included: my favorite little rambunctious Quaker boy as Joseph, tossing the doll representing the Christ child around in the air; his little sister (aka: 'angel') standing behind him pulling his hood over his eyes; two or three shepherds grappling over a crook; one tiny little angel insisting on lying down between the front rows of chairs; the second mysterious verse of 'Silent Night', which no one knew the words to, but did their best to sing anyway.

Ah yes. I'm feeling it now.

And then home again, for an amazing nap, and the afternoon infiltration of Eagles football into my usually sports-free home. Not that I didn't find it amusing. .. my exuberant friend, Ben, becoming even more so, and really displaying his fondness for the F word for all my children to enjoy. (After which Monika would chide him, "Benjamin'.. but with her accent sounded like, "Ben - jammin"....god i love that....!)

ben, subdued but in the zone

Monika then made us a wonderous dinner.... politely apologizing for taking over my kitchen. Um... anytime. Really.

polish woman taking over my kitchen.

dessert for the adults: monika's cherry vodka.. yum!

In an hour or so, our friends will arrive from Poland. I'm looking forward to this for three reasons:

Ben, who is actually from Pennsylvania, but went over to Warsaw in '92 with the Peace Corps, and never came back. Ben is our (hubs and mine) shared Greenpeace friend, and was witness first-hand to hubs' falling for me, so the story goes.

Monika. Ben's wife, and the reason why he never came back. Monika is one of those Eastern European women who makes drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes look 'very' sexy. She says things like, "you sink so?' in a husky voice, and makes a kick-ass wild mushroom soup. I'd like to keep her.

Krupnik. Krupnik is a kind of vodka and comes in a variety of flavors, including hot pepper. We never know what kinds they will be bringing, and as they always include some new variety, we tend to spend our first couple hours together sampling everything. (I shall report the details as they come in.)

I imagine that it will be a long night, as their plane doesn't even land till 8:30 (oh ! It's 8:30 now!), but it'll probably be at least another hour till they get here.

The last time they were here together was two years ago, and fortunately during my birthday. We were all at the beach, and with a few friends and family gathered, (and yes, much krupnik) I was treated to Monika's belting out of "Sto Lat", a traditional Polish birthday song.

Sto lat, sto lat,

Niech żyje, żyje nam.

Sto lat, sto lat,

Niech żyje, żyje nam,

Jeszcze raz, jeszcze raz, niech żyje, żyje nam,

Niech żyje nam!

This translates roughly into English as:

A hundred years, a hundred years,

May he (she) live for us.

A hundred years, a hundred years,

May he live for us.

Once again, once again, may he live, live for us,

May he live for us

I have no idea who these people are, but you can at least hear the song, and imagine a green-eyed, husky-voiced Polish woman singing it quite loudly, while the the inebriated rest of us tried to follow along.

Tomorrow at Meeting, I believe, is practice for the Nativity play, which I have nothing to do with, (or so I hope) which is good, as I'm imagining I may be fairly useless.

The holidays are looking up.