Finding myself at my office for the entire day yesterday with a laptop but no power cord, I had to resort to some of the other things on my to-do list which seem to never get done with a computer present.

One of them involved writing goals for the new year, as this seems to be the overriding message touted from every angle.. that this one task is an essential, no-brainer, must-do for a small business owner.

So, I obligingly did that. Nothing huge and lofty... most items were practical and self-evident and centered around making my shiatsu practice not only pay for itself but hopefully for some other stuff as well. I tacked on a couple of other things, also business-related, to the bottom of the list... things that I thought would be cool to have accomplished, and, I assume, necessary to achieving the first aforementioned goals.

But as I wrote them, I could feel my heart wasn't in it. The enthusiasm and fire just weren't there.

No matter. I put the list aside for the moment and went on to something else.

Reflecting on this later, during and after my 'breathing' practice, I had this startling revelation:

"Oh my god. I am not an ambitious person."

Now, for those who know me, this is probably not a word that would have come to mind anyway, in regards to my personality. But having been immersed for some months now in a social networking environment of driven people who are all about GOALS, and SUCCESS, and ACHIEVEMENT, and ENTHUSIASM no matter WHAT, my first thought was that I may be flawed in some way, and therefore not possessing the cayunes with which to manifest my dreams.

To my credit, I have had periods of driven-ness in my life ... granted, it was mostly driving in circles... but lately, I just haven't felt capable of summoning or sustaining that kind of energy.  So, what...am I lazy? Unmotivated? Depressed? Dysfunctional? Undiscliplined?

Yeah, probably a little of all of those. And maybe my re-newly-found meditation practice is allowing me to indulge this so-called deficiency. Even celebrate it.

Or... hmm.

Maybe I'm on to something. Some greater truth about The Illusion of What I Am Supposed to Do/Be/Have In Order To Feel Happy/Successful/Fulfilled/Whole/Right About Myself.

Because this whole drive thing seems vaguely tied up with that.

This new year seems like it is already revealing a theme to me revolving around letting go. Letting go of stuff, of cherished beliefs, of mental models, of 'supposed to be's, of expectations. Of dreams even. Yikes. Some dreams pass away quietly, almost unnoticed. Some, you gotta shoot 'em to put them out of their misery before they hurt somebody.

It's sad and grief-inducing work, yet the quiet left behind in the absence of all that chatter can be so, so lovely. And peaceful. So much space here ... more breathing room and I don't bruise my knees on the furniture. Though I will say the echo in the emptiness can be a little disconcerting and hard to get used to.

I'm sure I'll be inspired again. And maybe even a little ambitious.  Right now I'm just so enjoying the process of wiping the slate clean...seeing how far I can go. How many things I can question as being necessary for my well-being, and what I can kick to the curb, or at least put aside for a bit.

It's not easy, by any stretch, but the breathing helps. A lot.

More about that later, as I finish the first week of "The Presence Process" tomorrow.

And, interestingly, I wrote all this before I even read this....

My mom called last night to tell me that she got baptized.

When she was here for the holidays, she mentioned that while she had become "born again" about five years ago, on her own, she was now being invited by the church she attended to go through the actual dunking process with the congregation as witness.

Being the wise-ass that I am, I expressed concern for her hair-do, which she spends at least an hour 'do-ing' every morning. She assured me that her hairdresser was coming along to fix her up afterward.

I'm glad I asked.

My mom, to say the least, is not real big on being the center of attention in any situation. I don't think she relished the idea of being submerged in water in front of a bunch of onlookers. But she did express, or tried to, the difference between developing a relationship with Jesus in the privacy of her own heart, mind and soul, and then going through the actual physical process in front of others. I got what she was saying, though.. the whole thing about making the mind/body connection. Solidifying that commitment on another level adds a depth of dimension.. which is why ritual is so powerful. And this one in particular, for Christians... taking the plunge (pun totally intended) says to the world and your innermost being that you have chosen to die to your old way of life, and become reborn again into the grace of God.

I was reminded of when I was about ten, and my mom's parents were trying their best to make a good Christian out of me, in spite of my mom's reluctance to walk that path herself. They were nearly successful. I diligently read the Bible every day, set up a small altar in my room. When I watched my slightly younger cousin go through baptism, I was a little envious of her surety and conviction, as I really didn't think I was ready. (Not to mention I was terrified at the thought of being dunked underwater...)

Even at such a young age, I was a perfectionist, and I didn't believe I had any right calling myself a Christian until I ironed out a few personality flaws.

Here is my self-assessment from that time:

If you can't see it clearly, let me spell it out:

"Bad Points"

1. Cold to people
2. Impatient
3. Stubborn
4. Talks back to some people
5. Lies sometimes
6. Tiny-bit conceited (I love that...!)
7. Don't take care of myself
8. Gets mad easily
9. Not helpful
10. Not too good on complimenting.
11. Not socialble. (sic)
12. Grouch.
13. Says nothing to most things people ask me.
14. Weird (not sure why this is in the "bad" category..)

"Good Points"

1. Sometimes friendly
2. Funny (good sense of humor)
3. Good loser
4. Good winner
5. Good in school
6. When I'm not stubborn I try to do my best.
7. Most of the time I try to look my best.
8. Loves God - (fears God)
9. Sometimes tries to be friendly in the morning

As you can see, the "bad points" outweighed the "good points". And some of these, I admit, I haven't made a whole lot of progress on in 30+ years. I think the biggest strides probably have been in the area of #9 in the "Good points" column, though I am still working on that one.

I guess it amazes and saddens me a little that not only was I thinking about this stuff at that age, but I was actually concerned and more than a little fearful that, should I die before I figured this all out, I was going straight to hell. I don't think these are the kinds of thoughts a child should be having as they try to fall sleep at night.

Little did I realize that God would have taken me in whatever sorry shape I was in, but I guess even then, this was a foreshadowing that my perfectionism, my indecisiveness and my flakiness would be a lifelong obstacle for me in regards to commitment.

And maybe that's my biggest flaw: my inability to accept my imperfections as perfect and worthy of even divine love.

..in which I found myself with the challenge of killing four hours away from the house with an 8 year old ...without spending money.

Spoiler alert: I failed.

But, hey. We both got away from the computer for the better part of the day, and that was a good thing.

Had to drop 13 year old off with some 'girls' for a few hours, and I thought I'd drag youngest along so dad could get some work done. I pictured maybe hanging in the playground for a bit, but chilly weather and the morning coffee hitting my bladder far from a bathroom made me rethink that plan.

So, we headed to the mall.

First stop, Food Court. Standing in line for a Happy Meal, young son and I entertained each other with various other mood possibilities, such as "Mad Meal". Confused Meal".  "Agitated Meal". "Perplexed Meal". "Mildly Amused Meal". Great fun, really.

Oh, and it came with this creepy-looking thing:

Headed to my favorite-but-way-too-expensive-to-justify-going-to-more-than-once-a-year cosmetic store to get the mascara I put on my Christmas list.. a task hubs wanted nothing to do with.

When asked by the nice sales girl if I wanted "volumizing" or "moisturizing".. I was all like, what? This required more thought than I had planned on putting into this purchase beyond "black or brown". Seriously? I now have to think about moisturizing my eyelashes?

Thank god I didn't send hubs there.

Next, the candy store to get youngest ONE THING! Do you hear me? ONE!

After some serious and impressive contemplation, he settled on a 'gumball on a stick', roughly half the size of his head.

Over to the library, where we forgot to get what we went for in the first place, which was fresh "Calvin and Hobbes". Instead we left with a couple video games, a book about gems, and for some reason, a 2-cd set of "Pennsylvania Bird Songs".

Ooookaayy, J.

Bonus stop: car wash. Restored the sparkly to ZoomZoom. Very nice. Nothing like washing the car in 35 degree weather to make one's hands look their best.

Then, up to my fave natural food store for Liz Lovely's awesome vegan Cow Girl Cookies, and my fave incense. (Yes, I have a lot of faves.)

Finally, or would have been finally, had I not received a call to pick up other sons at the train station on my way home... rendezvous with 13 yr old who was nowhere to be found when I arrived.

Found him eventually...

And then lastly, a long car ride home with oldest son regaling me with tales of his weekend spent with young Quaker revolutionaries. Very exciting.

And here I am. In front of the computer again.

Every month I meet with a small group of friends for the purpose of finding creative ways in which we can implement the law of attraction into our lives.

One of the members shared a prosperity exercise with us, which involves imagining that on January 1st, you have $1000 at your disposal and you have to spend all of it. January 2nd, you have $2000; January 3rd, $3000, and so on, until December 31st when you have $365,000 to spend.

The idea is that, in order to attract abundance into your life, you have to really get a sense of how it feels to let money flow... both in and out. Because experiencing abundance is about healing one's relationship with money, regardless of the amount, and the faith that you will always have enough for what you want and need... and can therefore let it go with joy, knowing that it will come back again. Money is its energetic form is flow and movement... and exchange, like breathing. Holding on to it doesn't serve our needs any more than trying to live without it.

When my friend presented this game, he reflected how surprised he was to find spending that much money to be more challenging than he expected. And I was thinking, How hard can it possibly be?

Well, I discovered that the challenge for me, thus far, is even in a fantasy situation, I'm wanting to be responsible... pay off my credit cards, put the money in high-interest bearing savings account, give it all to charity. I'm not real clear on the rules per se, but I'm thinking that the point is to just let it go, even if frivolously. I've spent the last year breaking my addiction to desiring stuff, it feels a little uncomfortable to now seek out ways in which I can blow gobs of cash on whatever, just for the sake of blowing gobs of cash

But I'm willing to give it a shot, especially while our country is riding this economic roller coaster. I have managed to be associated with a lot of like-minded people who refuse to participate in the recession. I like that idea, and I think this little game can help.

So, here's what I bought yesterday....

Wanna play?